“No one has ever drowned in sweat,” said Lou Holtz...Really?
“No one has ever drowned in sweat,” said Lou Holtz.
Really? Clearly, only a man who has never suffered from night sweats could boldly make that statement.
Since we’ve discussed two of the evil menopausal dwarfs – itchy and bitchy – let’s move on to the next lovely little monster – sweaty.
When it comes to menopause humor there are a gazillion jokes about hot flashes. I’ve seen more than my fair share of embroidered pillows with that saying, “I’m still hot…it just comes in flashes now.” I used to think those were kind of cute. Like it was hip to be hot. Now I have to fight a compulsion to shred them into a million pieces.
Oh, those menopausal dwarfs are meanies!
Apparently it isn’t enough that hot flashes cause solar flares to spark within my body, a racing heart, and flushing that turns my face a lovely shade of red or maybe purple. No, to add insult to injury, hot flashes also causes excessive sweat to bead on my upper lip, run down my neck like a river, and pool between my breasts. I’m sweating in weird places I didn’t even know had sweat glands. Just what every girl desires.
What can cause us women to break out in a sweat? Oh, just all the things we love and hold dear to our heart like that relaxing glass of wine at the end of a stressful day or that cherished cup of coffee we so look forward to in the morning. Add to that list spicy food and warm environments – did I mention before that I live in the hot Californian desert where most of us love Mexican food? Bad and bad.
By the way, stress can also bring on hot flashes that make us sweat even more. Which give me a break, how am I supposed to stay calm when the evil dwarf bitchy is causing me to argue with whomever dares to make eye contact? And how can I prevent feeling stressed out when I’m trying to look professional at an editorial meeting and sweat begins trickling down my back, clothes start sticking to me, and I’m slowly transformed into a limp, depleted, wet noodle? Please, someone shoot me.
Those diet pills you’re taking to try and get rid of the extra pounds you’ve put on because of menopause – you guessed it – can also trigger hot flashes and night sweats. And if you smoke to de-stress, look out. Smoking makes hot flashes more intense and frequent. Of course, smoking can kill you. I guess that’s one way to get rid of hot flashes and the accompanying sweat.
Hot flashes and sweating aren’t just limited to daytime hours either when I can at least stick my head in the freezer and pretend I’m super interested in the ingredients of frozen orange juice. Nope, worst of all, are the night sweats.
The minute I lay my head down on the pillow the heat waves from hell start washing over me. If I roll over, hell’s sauna without an exit door starts all over again. And in case you haven’t noticed, any physical contact with another person is also a hot flash waiting to happen. Although whether your loved one will want to get near you when you resemble a sweaty dock worker or ask for a flotation device instead is up for debate.
I like to end my articles with a few tips to give you all a bit of hope. Aside from avoiding the above listed triggers to hot flashes, I haven’t found any miraculous cures for the evil dwarf sweaty. However, it pays to take lots of showers, wear clothes made of natural fabrics, and drink lots of water. And don’t forget to keep that handy, dandy portable hand fan in your purse, ladies.
Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog .