Mr. Menopause has been under investigation for countless first-degree burglaries on innocent women typically in their 40s and 50s. He allegedly uses misleading tactics to lure women such as promising a smoking hot body and then deceptively delivering spontaneous human combustion in the form of hot flashes instead.
I think Mr. Menopause should be arrested. Why can’t we punish this vile, sneaky little thief that viciously steals everything we hold near and dear to our hearts?
Yes, I assume that Mr. MENopause is male – just look at his name – there’s your sign. And besides, we women know that the male population is to blame for all our woes.
So I’ve decided to report this thief to the proper authorities. And they better take me, mad menopausal woman, seriously. Are you with me? Let all of us bitchy, sweaty, sleep-deprived ladies gather together to present our case and slam Mr. Menopause into prison for eternity for all his notorious crimes on innocent 50-ish women.
Decades before Mr. Menopause stole my brain, I was a newspaper reporter. So here is how I would write the news article after the justifiable arrest:
According to police, Mr. Menopause has been under investigation for countless first-degree burglaries on innocent women typically in their 40s and 50s. He allegedly uses misleading tactics to lure women such as promising a smoking hot body and then deceptively delivering spontaneous human combustion in the form of hot flashes instead.
At approximately 07:00 hours on May 10, 2008, Mrs. Julie A. Gorges, resident at 45 Hormonal Hell Avenue, reported a series of robberies. During the early morning hours of that date, the victim reported that Mr. Menopause had stolen her sleep. Gorges contended that previously she slept like a baby but was helpless when Menopause brandished the weapons night sweats, anxiety, and frequent urination. Not even Gorges’ friends, Netflix and Candy Crush, could save her from the ensuing misery.
At this point of the investigation, Gorges left the room to use the restroom for the third time and returned to report additional losses that included her figure. While admitting that her waistline may not have been perfect previously, the robbery took away her ability to zip up her dresses and snap her pants. Thus, Menopause not only stole her shape but her dignity as well.
Around the same time, Gorges noticed skin moisture was also gone. She asserted that previously she never experienced dry skin but now needs a bottle of lotion in every room in the house as well as the glove box in the car. Living in the desert, this is a serious loss, she lamented. Gorges also added hair loss to the list of alleged robberies. She suggested that perhaps Menopause was conspiring with the moisturizing and wig industry for their mutual benefit.
Finally, Gorges reported that her patience was missing. Once a reasonable woman, the victim stated that she is often annoyed with random people because they were breathing too much. “After Mr. Menopause stole my patience, I was uncharacteristically irritable, short-tempered, easily frustrated, and anxiety-ridden,” she confessed openly. However, it must be noted that when the officer smiled sympathetically, Gorges became agitated and warned him that he was one snarky smile away from a smack so hard his kids would be born dizzy. She then promptly burst out in tears, reporting that Mr. Menopause had also heartlessly stolen her sanity. Officer Tactless requested that they stick to the facts of the case and suggested that Gorges not allow the robberies to make her irrational. Gorges politely informed the officer that she would prefer the term “delightfully difficult” and it was in his best interest if he agreed.
Her libido was also missing, Gorges added, but thereafter refused to give details. Unfortunately, the interview took five hours since Menopause had also stolen Gorges’ memory and all her brain cells. When describing the toll that the robberies had taken on her family, it must be stated that the alleged victim couldn’t remember their names. “You know, that guy I married 30 years ago and the two sons I gave birth to – their names escape me right now – but I can describe them for you.”
Gorges’ menstrual periods were also stolen, but although she alleged Menopause was responsible, she declined to press charges on that particular theft. “Good riddance,” she stated for the record.
After a three-month investigation by the Hotflash Police Department, Menopause was taken into custody on Monday at his home located on Devilish Drive. Menopause was arraigned before Justice Michael Merciful and remanded to the HRT County Jail on one million pounds of chocolate bail for each charge to be dispensed to the millions of menopausal victims.
Why not give the story a happy ending?
Although Mr. Menopause attempted to steal Mrs. Gorges’ sense of humor, as you can see from this article, she was able to hold on to that valuable asset. 😉
Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog at www.babyboomerbliss.net.