I now pee more than my father with his enlarged prostate and my two-year-old granddaughter after drinking four glasses of lemonade.
Thanks to menopause, I now pee more than my father with his enlarged prostate and my two-year-old granddaughter after drinking four glasses of lemonade.
In other words, I’ve become the old lady who never turns down a bathroom.
Remember that line in the funny movie, Paper Moon, when Addie (played by a young Tatum O’Neal) is trying to break up the romance between her father (Ryan O’Neal) and good-time gal Trixie Delight (Madeline Kahn) says, “She always has to go to the bathroom! She must have a bladder the size of a peanut!”
Yup, that’s me. It’s not my fault. Like everything else, I blame menopause.
So I figured, since I’m always uttering that line, “Gotta pee,” why not get creative about different ways to say it?
Keep in mind, my Mom is a true lady who visibly cringes every time a woman, including myself, utters that dreadful phrase.
According to the proper manners I was taught – and sometimes now shamefully ignore – even saying, “I must use the toilet” is way too vulgar. Toilet and pee should NEVER enter the conversation. “I gotta tinkle,” is not even allowed. Or once again to quote the movie, Paper Moon, “This little girl has to winky-tink!” Nope, none of that.
“Where is the john?” or “Where is the head?” or “I need to take a leak,” or “I’m going to take a whiz,” just might make my Mom faint. Of course, there are plenty more crude ways of saying “Gotta pee,” but out of deference for my mommy I’ll resist mentioning them.
By the way, have you ever wondered why we say, “I gotta pee like a racehorse?” That’s because racehorses are sometimes given diuretics so they pee out all the fluid in their systems. That way they’ll weigh less and run faster. That’s why before a race, you may see a bunch of horses peeing their brains out. Which is kind of mean, right? I say we put some diuretics in the tea of those in charge at the Kentucky Derby and see how THEY like peeing like a racehorse! Tee, hee. Did I mention that menopause makes me feel mean sometimes?
Anyhow, back to the subject at hand. Since the phrase, “peeing like a racehorse,” is not allowed either, the following are my mother’s suggestions for polite ways to say you need to expel urine from your bladder:
Tolerable options: “Can you please tell me where the restrooms are?” “I’m off to the loo.” “Can you direct me to the nearest water closet?” “I must visit the lady’s room.”
Better options: Vague terminology such as “May I ask, where are the facilities?” or “Nature is calling.”
Best options: “Excuse me, I need to wash my hands.” “I must excuse myself for a moment.” “I need to freshen up.” Or the ever-popular polite terminology: “Excuse me while I powder my nose.”
As you can tell, my Mom is fashioned after those eloquent European women who only talk about Eau de Toilette when they’re referring to perfume they dab on pulse points.
So I will write this and hope my mother never reads it because she would absolutely die a million deaths. I can hear her chiding voice in my head, “Didn’t I teach you, it is never polite to refer directly to any excretory function, my dear.”
But now that I’m in my 50’s, I’m a bit rebellious, so here are five creative ways of saying, “Gotta pee.”
- “I gotta give my pee ration at the urination station.” (Love creative poetry.)
- “I must go oui oui.” (French style).
- “I need to squirt the dirt.” (Although this applies more to men, who says we women can’t accomplish it as well?)
- “Gotta shake the dew off the daffodil.” (Doesn’t hurt to throw some floral imagery in there.)
- And my favorite: “Gotta make the bladder gladder.”
So there you go. Sorry, Mom. A menopausal woman has to do what a menopausal woman has to do.
Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog at HTTP://www.babyboomerbliss.net.