"...animals at the zoo don’t have to worry about scratching questionably appropriate places in front of big crowds..." Julie follows up with the dwarves.
In my last article, I talked about the diabolical menopausal dwarfs: itchy, bitchy, sweaty, bloaty, sleepy, forgetful, and psycho. Today, I’d like to focus on the evil triple threat: itchy, bitchy, and sweaty since these guys often work together.
Let’s begin with itchy. We’ve all been there and had a terrible itch that needs immediate attention. Intensify that feeling by a hundred if you’re a menopausal woman suffering from this fun dwarf and you have what feels like creepy crawlies partying under your skin.
Unlike most animals, humans are blessed with nimble fingers which seem to have been created for reaching and scratching. However, the trouble comes in when society dictates you can’t scratch certain things in public, yet they itch in public.
Which isn’t fair. Obviously, animals at the zoo don’t have to worry about scratching questionably appropriate places in front of big crowds. Men also seem to have a scratch-whatever-itches free card. In fact, they shrug their shoulders and proudly chuckle while contentedly relieving their itches. Fine. Whatever. We all know men rule the world. You’ve seen that joke, that menstruation, menopause and mental breakdown all have “men” in them, right? And no, I’m not an angry, resentful menopausal woman. What makes you think that? Okay, like I said before these three dwarfs are related and maybe itchy equals bitchy sometimes.
Anyhow, back to my point. We women are supposed to be ladylike at all times. Even while the malicious dwarf itchy heckles our poor defenseless souls. Never mind that we have become severely dehydrated beings deprived of any moisture whatsoever due to hormonal changes. Because of this fact, not only are we blessed with itchy, irritated, overly-sensitive skin, but our eyes and other um…areas have become dried up and itchy as well.
And if you’re lucky like me, sweat (produced profusely during these days of scorching hot flashes that feel like violent volcanoes erupting) triggers even more itchiness. What are you supposed to do when you have substantial boob sweat that dries up and becomes so prickly you want to tear your nipples off? Society dictates you cross your arms, try to discreetly sneak in a scratch, and just grin and bear it. Can you feel my eyeballs rolling?
As the saying goes, “Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.” For whatever it’s worth, I do have a few practical suggestions that have helped me somewhat:
- Increase water intake. Chug-a-lug ladies. Hydrate-hydrate-hydrate your skin from the inside out.
- Avoid long, hot showers which can dry out skin, use gentle, non-irritating soaps, and always moisturize afterwards.
- Okay, don’t laugh but it’s recommended that you avoid stress and poor sleep patterns (good luck with those two suggestions during the scourge of menopause) as well as excessive sun exposure and cigarettes.
And one more tip from Gilda Radner – if you’re old enough to be menopausal you may remember this funny lady from Saturday Night Live in the 70’s – who said: “I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”
Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog.