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Because life doesn't pause during menopause.

Category Archives: Be Entertained

Celebrity anecdotes, video, cartoons, jokes, weird news- whatever we can come up with that we think will be interesting, inspiring, or just make you smile. Hoping to give you something to change your perspective on a blue day. Just scroll down the page to see what’s been posted.

It’s Wine or Whine

It’s Wine or Whine

I don’t care if wine makes my hot flashes worse. I don’t care if wine makes me fatter and my Buddha belly bulge.

Warning, Will Rogers! I will whine if you mess with my wine.

I don’t care if wine makes my hot flashes worse. I don’t care if wine makes me fatter and my Buddha belly bulge. I don’t care if wine makes me more dehydrated contributing to my already dry, itchy skin. And I don’t care if wine makes my fuzzy brain even fuzzier.

Leave me alone!

Ever since menopause hit, my friends and family don’t even ask questions. When I visit, they just start pouring. My neighbors know that I can hear a wine cork popping from 100 yards away and anticipate an impromptu visit to borrow “a cup of sugar.” My ever-patient husband greets every menopausal meltdown with the phrase: “Here, have some wine.”

Like everything else, of course, I blame menopause for becoming a wine enthusiast. Oh, I would love to say that I’m handling menopause in some kind of sophisticated yoga, meditation, exercise way or that I use one of those other trendy relaxation techniques to relieve stress. But it’s hard to prove that point when I’m on my second glass of wine right now.

Besides, can’t we count running late to happy hour as exercise? And in menopausal land, doesn’t a balanced diet mean a glass of wine in each hand? And didn’t I read somewhere that we don’t want to look at the glass half empty?

I’m not alone, and as always, I find that fact reassuring. How do I know? Because there are actually menopause wine charms, bottle wine chillers, and flasks just for us menopause madams (http://www.cafepress.com.au/+menopause-humor+wine-charms) with humorous tags such as “Something’s making me hot. Unfortunately it’s not you.” And “Warning! Woman Under the Influence of Testosterone.”

And let’s not forget about Hot Flash Wine (http://hotflashwines.com/wines/), and yes, there’s actually such a thing, with labels like Mood Swing Merlot, Covers Off Chardonnay and Zin-o-Pause. (Well, there MIGHT be, no surprise, last time I checked, they were out of stock! No surprise, right?)

So ‘fess up. Hasn’t your appreciation for fine wine increased since good ol’ menopause took up residence in your body? The answer to all of menopause woes may not be at the bottom of a wine glass, but most of us check.

Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog.   

Does Menopause Cause Irritating Male Syndrome?

Does Menopause Cause Irritating Male Syndrome?

It's tough enough to go through menopause, why do the men in our lives have to be so irritating? Shall we turn those tables? Bwahaha!

Don’t let the title mislead you. I’m not talking about Male Menopause which is sometimes called Irritable Male Syndrome.

Yes, there’s such a thing. Like that joke, “If it’s called MENstruation and MENopause, so why don’t MEN have it?” True, men don’t have periods, but studies show they do have a form of male menopause. Evidently, due to a drop in testosterone as they age, men can have some of the same symptoms as us – weight gain, memory loss, diminished libido, hair loss, fatigue – plus a couple that thankfully we can’t have as females such as erectile dysfunction. We have enough troubles with our own female parts without worrying about that one as well.

But let men whine about this male menopause thingy on their own blogs – because my articles are about MY complaints and MY symptoms and MY menopause. I can’t imagine that male menopause is as bad as our menopause – but if it is, I don’t want to hear about it.

So this article is about irritating male syndrome – as I said, not male menopause – but about how males make US irritable during menopause.

Because while it’s true everyone infuriates us during menopause, no one can annoy us more than the men in our lives. Clueless on how to calm us down during our menopausal meltdowns, they usually manage to do and say all the wrong things. You’ve probably heard that joke: “It’s called menopause for a reason. MEN should PAUSE before they speak.” But they never seem to learn.

“You’re being a bit sensitive, aren’t you?” “Those pants look kind of tight.” “Why are you in such a bad mood?” “Aren’t you feeling better by now?” “Why don’t you… (input a thousand lame suggestions to try and solve this whole menopause thing).”

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got a great husband. But since even delightful men can be annoying at times, we women have to take some kind of action to make ourselves feel better.

So what can we do when we’re suffering from Irritating Male Syndrome? Annoy our husbands, of course, so they can feel and understand our pain of feeling exasperated and enraged all the time.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  1. Okay, admittedly, this first one is kind of mean. But my husband goes poop regular as rain – once and sometimes even twice a day – while I often suffer from meno-stipation. This is irritating enough on its own, but when hubby says something super annoying on top of this whole regular bowel movement thing, it’s time to get serious. So, when we get down to the last roll of toilet paper in the entire house – I hide it in the back of the pantry. When he desperately yells for help, I pretend I don’t hear him. Now some husbands won’t notice for several days, but if you have a hubby like mine, this one works like magic. (Yes, we DID just talk about poop on HFD.)
  2. Does your husband sleep soundly while you’re up all night with insomnia and then dares to ask why you’re so cranky in the morning? Sometimes my hubby is guilty of this one. So, I eat cookies on his side of the bed. Set his alarm for 2 a.m. and blame the grandkids. Stick my finger in his ear while he’s sleeping. Wedge marshmallows between his toes. If your husband snores like mine, try putting a little Tabasco in his mouth. Get creative and have some fun since you’re up anyway!
  3. Sell his stuff at your next garage sale. This one drives my hubby, who is a pack rat, absolutely wild. Or if I’m not that brave and the offense is more minor, I move his wallet and keys off his nightstand where he usually keeps them and put them somewhere else. Then I pretend I’m sleeping while he gets ready for work in the morning and thinks he’s getting senile because he can’t remember where he puts his stuff. Give him a taste of fuzzy brain! Tee hee.
  4. Leave his boxers and socks in the washing machine for a couple of days. My husband helps with the laundry sometimes, so this one doesn’t always work for me. But if you have a husband that rarely does laundry, he won’t notice until he puts on his undies and they smell nice and damp and moldy.
  5. This one is fitting punishment for mild annoyances. I wait until my hubby is deeply enthralled in one of his favorite shows like Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe or Shipping Wars. Then I sit down, preferably across from him, and I list all the chores that he’s said he’d do around the house. And hasn’t. As a final touch, I ask for a sip of his beer and drink every last drop.

There you go, five remedies guaranteed to make you feel better about the whole Male Irritable Syndrome thing. Bahaha! Plan your revenge and have fun!

Oh, and I’m sure you have some even better ideas, so please, post them for us all!

Summer Reading – Big Fails & Small Wins

Summer Reading – Big Fails & Small Wins

I wanted and planned to have some really good romantic smut to read and recommend. Sadly, all the books I tried refused to cooperate with my schemes.

“Summer Reading” is concept I never quite got.  My reading tastes have never really undergone a seasonal variation, except that around Thanksgiving I usually dig out a book on the JFK assassination and in December I tend to reread Dicken’s A Christmas Carol and a couple of Mary Balogh’s or Barbara Metzger’s Christmas themed Regency Romances.

Of course, I grew up in West Texas, and one of the perks was that in the summers we had heat advisories so often that we stopped paying attention. We would wring out t-shirts in cold water to wear to bed.  Reading indoors during the hottest part of the day was a recommended activity to avoid heatstroke as well as a favored way to avoid snakebite.  Not exactly the idylls described in Bradbury’s All Summer in a Day.  I never got the memo that the summer heat meant I wasn’t supposed to concentrate as well as in other seasons and should read things that didn’t require too much thought or just read stories that are set on a beach.  (This led to me to discover that On The Beach was not about summertime when I was about thirteen.)  As an adult, when summer-time book displays needed to be made, I’d have to consult the New York Times Book Review pages for suggestions on what most people consider fun summer books.

I wanted and planned to have some really good romantic smut to read and recommend.  Sadly, all the books I got refused to cooperate with my schemes.  The first one, “The Forbidden Cabin” by Cheri Zee, well…the phrase ‘stinks on ice’ came to mind in the first five pages.  When the older protagonist started thinking about how sexy her daughter’s fiancée is, that wasn’t…necessarily bad.  That’s not an unusual fantasy choice.  Then, in the following paragraph she’s wondering if the young man in question has dreamed of having ‘a mother/daughter sandwich’…and that actually made me throw up a little.  That lovely thought of mature adult mother and daughter incest was justified in the text by the fact that both women have the same type of breasts.  Yes, identical breasts, that are – you guessed it, small – but not too small, and perky.  Mother and daughter have tits that are described with an adjective that is often used to describe small, yappy dogs.  I had a flashback of the time a guy told me he liked a woman’s breasts that sat up and said hello.  I told him mine say hello, take a seat, order drinks and demand to know the dinner plans.  Needless to say, the affair didn’t last long…neither did my attempt to continue with this book.  Cheri Zee couldn’t even create an entertaining Shayla Black level of bad.

The next book I attempted, Carl East’s Mature Women Volumes 1-5, (no, I didn’t make it through all five volumes)…started with sweaty a teenage boy mowing the lawn of a nice neighbor for extra money. He goes into the house to get ice water and discovers her showering and we all know the bad Penthouse Letters style story to follow.  I don’t find this set-up erotic, I find it a great beginning of a Criminal Minds’ episode in which the sweaty 19 year old ends up becoming an insane maniac who is thrown to the ground and manhandled by SSA Morgan wearing a very well-fitting t-shirt in the final act.  Which I somehow suspect isn’t what is going to happen in Volume 5.

The next attempt was The Wild and Wanton Edition of Persuasion, by Micha Persell and Jane Austen (note to authors, if you are reworking a classic, the original author gets the top billing), and it wasn’t in the dead fish smelly ice club of badness, it was just bone numbingly dull which makes the title rather sad.  Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has less sex, but is a much more fun read.  Just mentioning that.

The first of the last set is Kate Richards’ Spanking Ms. Whitman, which is another what an amazing coincidence to discover that the perfect man in the office that I have a crush on is into all the same things I’ve got secret fantasies about but never told anyone about and isn’t that convenient? type of fairy tale… actually if there had been a fairy in this tale, it might have conjured up some drama.  Mostly, it is mindless, uncomplicated drivel.

The worst for last book is Renee Rose’s Pleasing the Colonel, a domestic discipline type of historical romance, which for the unwary is a type of story in which everyone does the same things as a BDSM story, except nobody is allowed to really enjoy it.  People (actually, just the submissive, because the dominants are holy creatures who are all knowing and wise who never make mistakes and if they do, the submissive would never think of punishing them), are punished for being screw-ups and to improve them, just for their own good.  Not for a reason as base as finding this sort of thing exciting or pleasurable that both partners agree to do for fun. Also, this sort of thing never seems to be discussed or agreed upon in advance in these sorts of stories; the submissive is usually ambushed with a ‘You screwed up!” and given the choice of punishment or being thrown out of job, home, security, or so on, always wildly disproportionate to the transgression.

(You burned the eggs at breakfast?  Submit to this caning or go live in an abandoned chicken coop, wench!)

Of course this kind of unrealistic absurdity can work in fantasy, but if not written with care and insight only makes the characters look stupid. After the initial punishment, the submissive character is always repentant and secretly loves the dominant for being ‘strong’ (not blackmailing, intimidating or abusing their authority, but ‘strong’).  Of course, the dominant is pleased that the submissive partner surrendered but doesn’t have sex with them, even if he really would like to, because this ISN’T ABOUT SEX it’s about LOVE…to beat someone into being a better person, even though only the dominant partner knows what that sort of person is…the submissive partner is not going to give up material things, cut her hair and dedicate her life to selflessly helping the poor because of the dom’s influence in this sort of story.  The dominant is to be loved for being a whole and complete control freak which is Good For Everyone, and he (usually, there may be a story of this type with a female dominant but I have never seen one) is only dominant because he has to be, not because he enjoys it, because where would we be if we didn’t have him to tell us what to wear, how to speak, when to go to bed, what purpose to have, because nobody had a life before he showed up and only chaos would ensue otherwise…well, this not only stank on ice, it would have released an odor while sitting on an ice floe on Charon, the frozen moon of Pluto.

As a result of those fails, my main summer reading this year was catching up on Ian Kershaw’s work.  He’s a brilliant historian, and specializes in social history of Nazi Germany.  I read his first book on the subject, The Hitler Myth: Image and Reality in the Third Reich, and his last one, Making Friends with Hitler: Lord Londonderry, the Nazis and the Road to War.  Both are absolutely brilliant and I recommend them whole heartedly for all history fans, just like I do the rest of his works.  However, you can’t call either one, or any of his books for that matter, light reading.  He’s one of those writers that I have to read ten pages and then I go back and read them again to make sure I didn’t miss anything.  I enjoy doing that.  Of course, this is also why I have the closed captioning on all the time on my TV, which also annoys a lot of my friends. Go figure.

Anyway- summer’s nearly over and I’ve still not found a racy book I can honestly recommend. What have you been reading?

 

Who Stole My Sex Drive?

Who Stole My Sex Drive?

No man wants to hear their wife saying that she would rather go to bed with a good book!

Who stole my sex drive: my husband wants it back! The chances are that if you have come across this site, then you too might be wondering why you are feeling the way you are feeling. The menopause covers such a broad range of different conditions and feelings that it is impossible to say that what happens for one woman will happen for all. Unfortunately good ole Momma Nature doesn’t make things that easy for us! And who said that women are the weaker sex? There is no way men could function with some of the things we have happening to us from puberty through to menopause, (and beyond)!

Just to let you all know where I stand on this. I’m 52 years old and am lucky enough to have a lovely, handsome toy-boy husband who has just turned 40! Every woman’s dream you might think, but that is not always the case! Don’t get me wrong here, I absolutely adore him, but let’s just face facts. The fact that he is 12 years younger than me tends to mean that his sex drive is higher than mine and he doesn’t get tired as easily as I do.

If I could definitively say that I was going through the menopause, then it might be easier to explain to him how I feel. But the truth is that I honestly don’t know where I am as regards to that, as I had to have a hysterectomy three years ago due to ongoing period problems. I had been bleeding constantly for around 2 years before I had the op. I don’t (at the moment!) have any symptoms associated with menopause as in hot flushes, depression and mood swings etc. and the last time my estrogen levels were checked, they were still ‘normal’, (whatever ‘normal’ is…I personally hate that word!) This ‘normal’ reading would indicate that I am still ovulating and that my hormones should be working pretty much the same way in which they have always done.

If that’s true, why then do I not want to have sex with my (in my opinion,) decidedly sexy husband? How do I explain that to him when the doctors have no answers for me? I have to tell you here ladies that it is by no means an easy conversation to have. Not that I am shy in these matters, (or I probably wouldn’t be talking about it here!) but it is still not an easy thing to tell your partner. No man wants to hear their wife saying that she would rather go to bed with a good book, and that the only thing she wants in her mouth is a bar of chocolate!

And yet for me I have something of a dichotomy; once I ‘get going’, then I am okay…it is simply a case of almost ‘forcing’ myself to make the effort at times. And it is just that, you know, an effort. So if you are feeling a little like me and not sure whether you are peri-, post- or menopausal, and it all seems too much like hard work, then you have found the right place to stop and read for a while. Go and put the kettle on, come back with a nice cup of coffee, prop your feet up and read on…

Give Advice to a Menopausal Woman? Bad Idea.

Give Advice to a Menopausal Woman? Bad Idea.

#7. “A good diet and a little exercise will make you feel better.”

This blog is inspired by a funny cartoon. A husband is reading the paper and telling his wife: “If you feel like shouting, just close your eyes and count to ten.” The enraged (and rightly so!) woman is holding a frying pan directly over his head. The caption reads: Mood Swings Caused by Menopause Aren’t Helped by Suggestions. Bahaha!

(By the way, often confused with laughter on the Internet, “bahaha” is actually the sound a sheep makes when it’s getting shot with a machine gun, according to Urban Dictionary, but it seemed appropriate here.)

Just goes to show that a mad menopausal woman deserves a gold star for each day she goes without physically injuring someone. Because it seems like someone is always giving us lame advice to help with our symptoms, right? So that got me to thinking.

What are five of the worst things you can tell a woman enduring menopausal madness?

Here’s what I came up with:

  1. You should think before you speak.” You should run for your life. NOW. Hello, lack of control over what I say comes with the territory and, in fact, is in my menopausal bill of rights. Why is it that the people who are always telling you to calm down, hold your tongue, and be rational are the ones that make you mad in the first place?
  2. If you just go to the bed at the same time each night you can beat insomnia.” Careful, because that little piece of advice makes me want to beat you like pancake batter. Don’t you think I’ve tried that a million times already? Ditto drinking warm milk, eating a banana, avoiding alcohol and large meals, and watching TV before bedtime. My insane insomnia (link) is not caused by bad sleeping habits. I’m in hormonal hell, thank-you very much!
  3. Just concentrate.” That’s not my fault either. This continuous mental fog is caused by…well, I forget what causes it. Something to do with hormones. Anyways, IT’S NOT MY FAULT. That’s all I know.
  4. Wine triggers hot flashes, you know.” Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a d*** if wine causes hot flashes. When perimenopause hit, I found that I couldn’t function without my glasses – especially when they’re empty.  If there was ever an excuse to drink, menopause is it.
  5. You’re putting on a little weight; you may want to cut down on chocolate.” You mess with my chocolate and you better have a good look at your insurance policy. Didn’t I mention that I’m a certified menopausal chocolate crackhead? Look out! You’ve been warned.
  6. If you keep scratching, you’ll only itch more.” Really? You know that itchy rhymes with bitchy, right? You’re about to get a dose of the latter symptom if you don’t leave me alone.
  7. A good diet and a little exercise will make you feel better.” As Fred Allen said, “I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.” Besides, I’m already in shape. Round is a shape. And haven’t you noticed that diet is ‘die’ with a ‘t’ at the end?

All right, I forgot that I promised to list five things and came up with seven. Didn’t you read Number 3? Shut up!

Music for Menopause

Music for Menopause

The first time I heard the phrase "Flash Mob,” I thought they were talking about an angry mob of menopausal women...

The first time I heard the phrase “Flash Mob,” I thought they were talking about an angry but adorable mob of women hot flashing at the same time. Thought I might join the club. No such luck, though it would be fun to form a hot flash mob and dance to music seemingly written just for us.

You know, we could dance to songs like This Girl Is on Fire by Alicia Keys and She’s On Fire by Train. When I first heard those songs, I thought, whew, thank goodness I’m not all alone!

Or how about Bitch by Meredith Brooks. The lyrics are perfect for us: “I can understand how you’d be so confused. I don’t envy you. I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover. I’m a child, I’m a mother. I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed. I’m your hell, I’m your dream. I’m nothing in between.”

Amen, sister, right?

Add to the list some appropriate song titles for us Menopausal Madwomen: Up All Night by One Direction, Moody Blue by Elvis Presley, Maneater by Hall & Oates, and Losing Your Memory by Ryan Star.

However, I think my favorite menopause song of all just might be Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne when he sings: “Life’s a bitter shame. I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.”

Perfect, right?

It’s a whole new world. Menopause is even out of the closet and into the musical videosphere. If you don’t believe me, just check out “Menopause to Blame” or the menopause rap song “Don’t Touch Me.” Pretty funny stuff. Although, I admit, not exactly “mainstream”…

And last but not least, we now have the classic, Menopause The Musical. I haven’t seen this play but it sounds like a lot of fun with parodies of songs from the Boomer era. The music pays tribute to hot flashes, memory lapses, weight gain, insomnia, night sweats, cellulite, the lure of cosmetic surgery, and the frightening necessity of exercise. Sound familiar?

I looked up a few of the songs with their lyrics:

I’m Flashing: I’m flashing, just flashing and the glow is not my jewels. I didn’t know that the change could be so cruel. They tell me, feeling flushed is part of passing through, but I just soaked another blouse that’s new.”

Sign of the Times: ”It’s a sign of the times. When your roots are gray and your memory’s shorter. It’s a sign of the times. When your hourglass shape becomes a glass of water.”

The Fat Gram Song: The lumps don’t move. How can I stop where the fat grams go?

This Is Your Day: No girl does it all by herself. No, friend, put your pride on the shelf.

Yup, we’re in this together, ladies. Let’s not be shy or vain. Let’s listen to our menopause music, proudly lay it all out there, and we can help each other through this ride on the crazy train.

Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog.    

Funny or Not? Menopause Humor

Funny or Not? Menopause Humor

Hmm. Do you think this is entertaining? Funny at first glance, to be sure. But I'm over it.

This saying is from a Facebook post from Comedy 103.1, a page that posts a lot of funny things. Many of which, I laugh at and share. As of today, this menopause meme has gotten nearly 100,000 likes. I bet if I shared it on the Hot Flash Daily Facebook page, I could get a few hundred on our page, too! But I just can’t. Why? It’s the kind of menopause humor that leaves me cold.

I’m not usually a “hard ass” about humor, that’s for sure! But after many years of comments and cartoons and cliches, the whole “women and their mysterious hormonal goings-on that gives them mental illness and they act crazy” thing is a big turn-off. The notion of “she’s on the rag” or “she’s menopostal” as a way of explaining behavior or describing a woman is insulting. Yep. Maybe it’s just the linking of menstruation and menopause with mental illness. Or the notion that anything related to women starts with men! Sheesh.

I KNOW, I can’t believe I’m so sensitive!

Ridiculous. Or not? I’m curious. What’s your reaction?

Shenanigans for Seniors?!

Shenanigans for Seniors?!

Apparently any libido issues clear up after menopause!

Have you read about the retirement community in Florida that is the talk of the nation?

“Ten women to every man, a black market in Viagra, and a ‘thriving swingers scene’: Welcome to The Villages, Florida, where the elderly residents down Sex on the Square cocktail in ‘honor’ of woman, 68, arrested for public sex with toyboy”. So says the Daily Mail, read the full article here.

Doesn’t it sound like every Spring Break movie you never bothered to see? Now, I’m sure there are plenty of grandparents there who aren’t doing anything they wouldn’t tell their kids about- but don’t you just love knowing that somewhere out there are retirees are having orgies? I mean, I don’t see myself at an orgy- or is it in an orgy, at any age- but I like knowing that the spirit of adventure survives, at any age. In fact, one of the comments about the woman who was arrested for having public sex was that she appears to be making up for her lost youth. And that’s what’s bitchin about this story. The “you’re never too old…” theme.

I thought about filing it under “Good News”, but, well, I just couldn’t go there with this one. Still- it is very good news that at any age, you just might have more epic times ahead!

Oh- and yep, those menopausal libido issues seem to have cleared up for lots of women in this place. That’s bitchin too!

If You Can’t Be Good, At Least Be Charming

If You Can’t Be Good, At Least Be Charming

More Racy Books for Grownup Women!

More Racy Books for Grownup Women- even if you don’t read the books, the reviews are definitely charming! And good…

Lessons and Lovers by Portia Da Costa is not a new book, even if it is a relatively new e-book.  My late husband gave a paperback version to me as an impulse present in the early 1990s when it was released by Masquerade.   Due to the house I was going to move into being condemned instead, my books are in storage so I got the ebook rather than go to the storage unit and dig through fifteen book boxes to find one slim paperback to reread.  I must admit, it’s not that great or “good”, but I still enjoy it.

James and I always said that Science Fiction and Horror always had an advantage over comedy.  A bad Science Fiction or Horror story or movie could still often be, and often is very funny – and so you can still enjoy them.  A bad comedy really has nowhere else to go.  That being said, what I have learned from erotica and romance is: try for great, hope to achieve good, if nothing else at least be charming.  Lessons and Lovers is very charming.

The story is of Lady Henrietta Miller, a younger widow, who is conflicted about her feelings for her late husband’s, and now her servant, Starr…who she is having wild sex on demand.  This was  something that began at her husband’s insistence during his final illness when he was no longer able to freshen the missus.  This made Hettie feel guilty about her high sex drive and the truth that she really enjoyed sex with Mr. Starr enormously, (probably more than with Lord Miller).    Apparently the soon-to-be late Lord Miller enjoyed experiencing vicariously by having her tell him all about it.  Be that as it may, Hettie did love her husband very much and does genuinely mourn him throughout the story.  Which is why she isn’t sure if her feelings for Starr are love or not.

To prevent these two from having an honest conversation about the whole ‘since we keep having sex all the time, maybe we should think about getting serious – or at least, taking this seriously’ situation, Hettie gets a desperate call from her friend Renata in Milan while she is el flagrante.  Apparently, Starr must be a Gemini, since he doesn’t believe that the Mistress should ignore a ringing phone.  He must also have a Scorpio moon, because he also doesn’t believe anyone should stop having sex just because they are now talking transcontinentally to a melodramatic friend.  Renata has a young cousin who she has to kick out of her villa because her boyfriend is jealous… and she just has to keep the boyfriend because she actually has orgasms with him.  Rather than telling her friend that she’s in England, not Milan and that the kid isn’t her cousin, or even I’m having sex at the moment and I really shouldn’t have picked up the phone so let me call you back, or even saying Oh, for God’s sakes Renata buy a vibrator already, Hettie ends up agreeing to let a young man she’s never met come visit.  Who has suffered some injuries on an archaeological site that has given him some memory loss.  Oh, and by the way he’s wildly curious about sex.

What can possibly go wrong with this plan?

Well, despite the distractions of delectable Darryl, advice from a well-meaning and possibly bi-sexual psychiatrist, and then the arrival of Renata herself – who discovers that it is better to choose possible step-family over a bullying boyfriend, (orgasms aplenty or not), the only real relationship with sexual or emotional depth is that of Hettie and Starr.  They are only two that the reader should care about, because the rest of this book’s cast are like a bad soap opera, but at least so bad they are amusing.  Even  Hettie herself is written way over the top, as the stereotype upper class lady but without a trace of bitchiness.   In short, what a charming lady!  Despite being a likable character, there are times when she is lamenting about her life of luxury, complete with handsome lover who is constantly available and worries that she’s a sex fiend that this reader does want to cry out, “Oh, God, me you can’t curse with these problems??”

This reads like an early novel, with most of the care concentrated on the sex scenes, which are well-written, rather than keeping the plot simple and characters well-fleshed.  It’s supposed to be a love story born of tragedy, but is way too frothy over all.  It’s not particularly good, but it is charming, and is enough of the right kind of bad. Want to read more? Just click here > Enjoy!

Swimsuit Season, Ladies?

Swimsuit Season, Ladies?

WHY, oh WHY, do I get a catalogue of nekkid ladies in nearly no swimsuits?

Some bitching, but overall, a truly BITCHIN article! You WILL laugh!

You know that stupid catalog? The one from the lingerie company- where the girls?/women? are nearly nekkid? The one you’d go straight to the moment you decide that a jewel-encrusted bra is where you want to spend your next year’s salary? You know what I’m talking about. Any men you live with know that catalog, that’s for sure!

Well, it’s swimsuit season, and Mandy at  Scary Mommy has a brilliant commentary on the current catalog. I couldn’t possibly come close to it, so run right over there and check it out.

Real women of the real world, unite. Cracking up at ass crackery. Tis the season, indeed!

Category Archives: Be Entertained

Celebrity anecdotes, video, cartoons, jokes, weird news- whatever we can come up with that we think will be interesting, inspiring, or just make you smile. Hoping to give you something to change your perspective on a blue day. Just scroll down the page to see what’s been posted.

It’s Wine or Whine

It’s Wine or Whine

I don’t care if wine makes my hot flashes worse. I don’t care if wine makes me fatter and my Buddha belly bulge.

Warning, Will Rogers! I will whine if you mess with my wine.

I don’t care if wine makes my hot flashes worse. I don’t care if wine makes me fatter and my Buddha belly bulge. I don’t care if wine makes me more dehydrated contributing to my already dry, itchy skin. And I don’t care if wine makes my fuzzy brain even fuzzier.

Leave me alone!

Ever since menopause hit, my friends and family don’t even ask questions. When I visit, they just start pouring. My neighbors know that I can hear a wine cork popping from 100 yards away and anticipate an impromptu visit to borrow “a cup of sugar.” My ever-patient husband greets every menopausal meltdown with the phrase: “Here, have some wine.”

Like everything else, of course, I blame menopause for becoming a wine enthusiast. Oh, I would love to say that I’m handling menopause in some kind of sophisticated yoga, meditation, exercise way or that I use one of those other trendy relaxation techniques to relieve stress. But it’s hard to prove that point when I’m on my second glass of wine right now.

Besides, can’t we count running late to happy hour as exercise? And in menopausal land, doesn’t a balanced diet mean a glass of wine in each hand? And didn’t I read somewhere that we don’t want to look at the glass half empty?

I’m not alone, and as always, I find that fact reassuring. How do I know? Because there are actually menopause wine charms, bottle wine chillers, and flasks just for us menopause madams (http://www.cafepress.com.au/+menopause-humor+wine-charms) with humorous tags such as “Something’s making me hot. Unfortunately it’s not you.” And “Warning! Woman Under the Influence of Testosterone.”

And let’s not forget about Hot Flash Wine (http://hotflashwines.com/wines/), and yes, there’s actually such a thing, with labels like Mood Swing Merlot, Covers Off Chardonnay and Zin-o-Pause. (Well, there MIGHT be, no surprise, last time I checked, they were out of stock! No surprise, right?)

So ‘fess up. Hasn’t your appreciation for fine wine increased since good ol’ menopause took up residence in your body? The answer to all of menopause woes may not be at the bottom of a wine glass, but most of us check.

Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog.   

Does Menopause Cause Irritating Male Syndrome?

Does Menopause Cause Irritating Male Syndrome?

It's tough enough to go through menopause, why do the men in our lives have to be so irritating? Shall we turn those tables? Bwahaha!

Don’t let the title mislead you. I’m not talking about Male Menopause which is sometimes called Irritable Male Syndrome.

Yes, there’s such a thing. Like that joke, “If it’s called MENstruation and MENopause, so why don’t MEN have it?” True, men don’t have periods, but studies show they do have a form of male menopause. Evidently, due to a drop in testosterone as they age, men can have some of the same symptoms as us – weight gain, memory loss, diminished libido, hair loss, fatigue – plus a couple that thankfully we can’t have as females such as erectile dysfunction. We have enough troubles with our own female parts without worrying about that one as well.

But let men whine about this male menopause thingy on their own blogs – because my articles are about MY complaints and MY symptoms and MY menopause. I can’t imagine that male menopause is as bad as our menopause – but if it is, I don’t want to hear about it.

So this article is about irritating male syndrome – as I said, not male menopause – but about how males make US irritable during menopause.

Because while it’s true everyone infuriates us during menopause, no one can annoy us more than the men in our lives. Clueless on how to calm us down during our menopausal meltdowns, they usually manage to do and say all the wrong things. You’ve probably heard that joke: “It’s called menopause for a reason. MEN should PAUSE before they speak.” But they never seem to learn.

“You’re being a bit sensitive, aren’t you?” “Those pants look kind of tight.” “Why are you in such a bad mood?” “Aren’t you feeling better by now?” “Why don’t you… (input a thousand lame suggestions to try and solve this whole menopause thing).”

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got a great husband. But since even delightful men can be annoying at times, we women have to take some kind of action to make ourselves feel better.

So what can we do when we’re suffering from Irritating Male Syndrome? Annoy our husbands, of course, so they can feel and understand our pain of feeling exasperated and enraged all the time.

Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  1. Okay, admittedly, this first one is kind of mean. But my husband goes poop regular as rain – once and sometimes even twice a day – while I often suffer from meno-stipation. This is irritating enough on its own, but when hubby says something super annoying on top of this whole regular bowel movement thing, it’s time to get serious. So, when we get down to the last roll of toilet paper in the entire house – I hide it in the back of the pantry. When he desperately yells for help, I pretend I don’t hear him. Now some husbands won’t notice for several days, but if you have a hubby like mine, this one works like magic. (Yes, we DID just talk about poop on HFD.)
  2. Does your husband sleep soundly while you’re up all night with insomnia and then dares to ask why you’re so cranky in the morning? Sometimes my hubby is guilty of this one. So, I eat cookies on his side of the bed. Set his alarm for 2 a.m. and blame the grandkids. Stick my finger in his ear while he’s sleeping. Wedge marshmallows between his toes. If your husband snores like mine, try putting a little Tabasco in his mouth. Get creative and have some fun since you’re up anyway!
  3. Sell his stuff at your next garage sale. This one drives my hubby, who is a pack rat, absolutely wild. Or if I’m not that brave and the offense is more minor, I move his wallet and keys off his nightstand where he usually keeps them and put them somewhere else. Then I pretend I’m sleeping while he gets ready for work in the morning and thinks he’s getting senile because he can’t remember where he puts his stuff. Give him a taste of fuzzy brain! Tee hee.
  4. Leave his boxers and socks in the washing machine for a couple of days. My husband helps with the laundry sometimes, so this one doesn’t always work for me. But if you have a husband that rarely does laundry, he won’t notice until he puts on his undies and they smell nice and damp and moldy.
  5. This one is fitting punishment for mild annoyances. I wait until my hubby is deeply enthralled in one of his favorite shows like Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe or Shipping Wars. Then I sit down, preferably across from him, and I list all the chores that he’s said he’d do around the house. And hasn’t. As a final touch, I ask for a sip of his beer and drink every last drop.

There you go, five remedies guaranteed to make you feel better about the whole Male Irritable Syndrome thing. Bahaha! Plan your revenge and have fun!

Oh, and I’m sure you have some even better ideas, so please, post them for us all!

Summer Reading – Big Fails & Small Wins

Summer Reading – Big Fails & Small Wins

I wanted and planned to have some really good romantic smut to read and recommend. Sadly, all the books I tried refused to cooperate with my schemes.

“Summer Reading” is concept I never quite got.  My reading tastes have never really undergone a seasonal variation, except that around Thanksgiving I usually dig out a book on the JFK assassination and in December I tend to reread Dicken’s A Christmas Carol and a couple of Mary Balogh’s or Barbara Metzger’s Christmas themed Regency Romances.

Of course, I grew up in West Texas, and one of the perks was that in the summers we had heat advisories so often that we stopped paying attention. We would wring out t-shirts in cold water to wear to bed.  Reading indoors during the hottest part of the day was a recommended activity to avoid heatstroke as well as a favored way to avoid snakebite.  Not exactly the idylls described in Bradbury’s All Summer in a Day.  I never got the memo that the summer heat meant I wasn’t supposed to concentrate as well as in other seasons and should read things that didn’t require too much thought or just read stories that are set on a beach.  (This led to me to discover that On The Beach was not about summertime when I was about thirteen.)  As an adult, when summer-time book displays needed to be made, I’d have to consult the New York Times Book Review pages for suggestions on what most people consider fun summer books.

I wanted and planned to have some really good romantic smut to read and recommend.  Sadly, all the books I got refused to cooperate with my schemes.  The first one, “The Forbidden Cabin” by Cheri Zee, well…the phrase ‘stinks on ice’ came to mind in the first five pages.  When the older protagonist started thinking about how sexy her daughter’s fiancée is, that wasn’t…necessarily bad.  That’s not an unusual fantasy choice.  Then, in the following paragraph she’s wondering if the young man in question has dreamed of having ‘a mother/daughter sandwich’…and that actually made me throw up a little.  That lovely thought of mature adult mother and daughter incest was justified in the text by the fact that both women have the same type of breasts.  Yes, identical breasts, that are – you guessed it, small – but not too small, and perky.  Mother and daughter have tits that are described with an adjective that is often used to describe small, yappy dogs.  I had a flashback of the time a guy told me he liked a woman’s breasts that sat up and said hello.  I told him mine say hello, take a seat, order drinks and demand to know the dinner plans.  Needless to say, the affair didn’t last long…neither did my attempt to continue with this book.  Cheri Zee couldn’t even create an entertaining Shayla Black level of bad.

The next book I attempted, Carl East’s Mature Women Volumes 1-5, (no, I didn’t make it through all five volumes)…started with sweaty a teenage boy mowing the lawn of a nice neighbor for extra money. He goes into the house to get ice water and discovers her showering and we all know the bad Penthouse Letters style story to follow.  I don’t find this set-up erotic, I find it a great beginning of a Criminal Minds’ episode in which the sweaty 19 year old ends up becoming an insane maniac who is thrown to the ground and manhandled by SSA Morgan wearing a very well-fitting t-shirt in the final act.  Which I somehow suspect isn’t what is going to happen in Volume 5.

The next attempt was The Wild and Wanton Edition of Persuasion, by Micha Persell and Jane Austen (note to authors, if you are reworking a classic, the original author gets the top billing), and it wasn’t in the dead fish smelly ice club of badness, it was just bone numbingly dull which makes the title rather sad.  Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has less sex, but is a much more fun read.  Just mentioning that.

The first of the last set is Kate Richards’ Spanking Ms. Whitman, which is another what an amazing coincidence to discover that the perfect man in the office that I have a crush on is into all the same things I’ve got secret fantasies about but never told anyone about and isn’t that convenient? type of fairy tale… actually if there had been a fairy in this tale, it might have conjured up some drama.  Mostly, it is mindless, uncomplicated drivel.

The worst for last book is Renee Rose’s Pleasing the Colonel, a domestic discipline type of historical romance, which for the unwary is a type of story in which everyone does the same things as a BDSM story, except nobody is allowed to really enjoy it.  People (actually, just the submissive, because the dominants are holy creatures who are all knowing and wise who never make mistakes and if they do, the submissive would never think of punishing them), are punished for being screw-ups and to improve them, just for their own good.  Not for a reason as base as finding this sort of thing exciting or pleasurable that both partners agree to do for fun. Also, this sort of thing never seems to be discussed or agreed upon in advance in these sorts of stories; the submissive is usually ambushed with a ‘You screwed up!” and given the choice of punishment or being thrown out of job, home, security, or so on, always wildly disproportionate to the transgression.

(You burned the eggs at breakfast?  Submit to this caning or go live in an abandoned chicken coop, wench!)

Of course this kind of unrealistic absurdity can work in fantasy, but if not written with care and insight only makes the characters look stupid. After the initial punishment, the submissive character is always repentant and secretly loves the dominant for being ‘strong’ (not blackmailing, intimidating or abusing their authority, but ‘strong’).  Of course, the dominant is pleased that the submissive partner surrendered but doesn’t have sex with them, even if he really would like to, because this ISN’T ABOUT SEX it’s about LOVE…to beat someone into being a better person, even though only the dominant partner knows what that sort of person is…the submissive partner is not going to give up material things, cut her hair and dedicate her life to selflessly helping the poor because of the dom’s influence in this sort of story.  The dominant is to be loved for being a whole and complete control freak which is Good For Everyone, and he (usually, there may be a story of this type with a female dominant but I have never seen one) is only dominant because he has to be, not because he enjoys it, because where would we be if we didn’t have him to tell us what to wear, how to speak, when to go to bed, what purpose to have, because nobody had a life before he showed up and only chaos would ensue otherwise…well, this not only stank on ice, it would have released an odor while sitting on an ice floe on Charon, the frozen moon of Pluto.

As a result of those fails, my main summer reading this year was catching up on Ian Kershaw’s work.  He’s a brilliant historian, and specializes in social history of Nazi Germany.  I read his first book on the subject, The Hitler Myth: Image and Reality in the Third Reich, and his last one, Making Friends with Hitler: Lord Londonderry, the Nazis and the Road to War.  Both are absolutely brilliant and I recommend them whole heartedly for all history fans, just like I do the rest of his works.  However, you can’t call either one, or any of his books for that matter, light reading.  He’s one of those writers that I have to read ten pages and then I go back and read them again to make sure I didn’t miss anything.  I enjoy doing that.  Of course, this is also why I have the closed captioning on all the time on my TV, which also annoys a lot of my friends. Go figure.

Anyway- summer’s nearly over and I’ve still not found a racy book I can honestly recommend. What have you been reading?

 

Who Stole My Sex Drive?

Who Stole My Sex Drive?

No man wants to hear their wife saying that she would rather go to bed with a good book!

Who stole my sex drive: my husband wants it back! The chances are that if you have come across this site, then you too might be wondering why you are feeling the way you are feeling. The menopause covers such a broad range of different conditions and feelings that it is impossible to say that what happens for one woman will happen for all. Unfortunately good ole Momma Nature doesn’t make things that easy for us! And who said that women are the weaker sex? There is no way men could function with some of the things we have happening to us from puberty through to menopause, (and beyond)!

Just to let you all know where I stand on this. I’m 52 years old and am lucky enough to have a lovely, handsome toy-boy husband who has just turned 40! Every woman’s dream you might think, but that is not always the case! Don’t get me wrong here, I absolutely adore him, but let’s just face facts. The fact that he is 12 years younger than me tends to mean that his sex drive is higher than mine and he doesn’t get tired as easily as I do.

If I could definitively say that I was going through the menopause, then it might be easier to explain to him how I feel. But the truth is that I honestly don’t know where I am as regards to that, as I had to have a hysterectomy three years ago due to ongoing period problems. I had been bleeding constantly for around 2 years before I had the op. I don’t (at the moment!) have any symptoms associated with menopause as in hot flushes, depression and mood swings etc. and the last time my estrogen levels were checked, they were still ‘normal’, (whatever ‘normal’ is…I personally hate that word!) This ‘normal’ reading would indicate that I am still ovulating and that my hormones should be working pretty much the same way in which they have always done.

If that’s true, why then do I not want to have sex with my (in my opinion,) decidedly sexy husband? How do I explain that to him when the doctors have no answers for me? I have to tell you here ladies that it is by no means an easy conversation to have. Not that I am shy in these matters, (or I probably wouldn’t be talking about it here!) but it is still not an easy thing to tell your partner. No man wants to hear their wife saying that she would rather go to bed with a good book, and that the only thing she wants in her mouth is a bar of chocolate!

And yet for me I have something of a dichotomy; once I ‘get going’, then I am okay…it is simply a case of almost ‘forcing’ myself to make the effort at times. And it is just that, you know, an effort. So if you are feeling a little like me and not sure whether you are peri-, post- or menopausal, and it all seems too much like hard work, then you have found the right place to stop and read for a while. Go and put the kettle on, come back with a nice cup of coffee, prop your feet up and read on…

Give Advice to a Menopausal Woman? Bad Idea.

Give Advice to a Menopausal Woman? Bad Idea.

#7. “A good diet and a little exercise will make you feel better.”

This blog is inspired by a funny cartoon. A husband is reading the paper and telling his wife: “If you feel like shouting, just close your eyes and count to ten.” The enraged (and rightly so!) woman is holding a frying pan directly over his head. The caption reads: Mood Swings Caused by Menopause Aren’t Helped by Suggestions. Bahaha!

(By the way, often confused with laughter on the Internet, “bahaha” is actually the sound a sheep makes when it’s getting shot with a machine gun, according to Urban Dictionary, but it seemed appropriate here.)

Just goes to show that a mad menopausal woman deserves a gold star for each day she goes without physically injuring someone. Because it seems like someone is always giving us lame advice to help with our symptoms, right? So that got me to thinking.

What are five of the worst things you can tell a woman enduring menopausal madness?

Here’s what I came up with:

  1. You should think before you speak.” You should run for your life. NOW. Hello, lack of control over what I say comes with the territory and, in fact, is in my menopausal bill of rights. Why is it that the people who are always telling you to calm down, hold your tongue, and be rational are the ones that make you mad in the first place?
  2. If you just go to the bed at the same time each night you can beat insomnia.” Careful, because that little piece of advice makes me want to beat you like pancake batter. Don’t you think I’ve tried that a million times already? Ditto drinking warm milk, eating a banana, avoiding alcohol and large meals, and watching TV before bedtime. My insane insomnia (link) is not caused by bad sleeping habits. I’m in hormonal hell, thank-you very much!
  3. Just concentrate.” That’s not my fault either. This continuous mental fog is caused by…well, I forget what causes it. Something to do with hormones. Anyways, IT’S NOT MY FAULT. That’s all I know.
  4. Wine triggers hot flashes, you know.” Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a d*** if wine causes hot flashes. When perimenopause hit, I found that I couldn’t function without my glasses – especially when they’re empty.  If there was ever an excuse to drink, menopause is it.
  5. You’re putting on a little weight; you may want to cut down on chocolate.” You mess with my chocolate and you better have a good look at your insurance policy. Didn’t I mention that I’m a certified menopausal chocolate crackhead? Look out! You’ve been warned.
  6. If you keep scratching, you’ll only itch more.” Really? You know that itchy rhymes with bitchy, right? You’re about to get a dose of the latter symptom if you don’t leave me alone.
  7. A good diet and a little exercise will make you feel better.” As Fred Allen said, “I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.” Besides, I’m already in shape. Round is a shape. And haven’t you noticed that diet is ‘die’ with a ‘t’ at the end?

All right, I forgot that I promised to list five things and came up with seven. Didn’t you read Number 3? Shut up!

Music for Menopause

Music for Menopause

The first time I heard the phrase "Flash Mob,” I thought they were talking about an angry mob of menopausal women...

The first time I heard the phrase “Flash Mob,” I thought they were talking about an angry but adorable mob of women hot flashing at the same time. Thought I might join the club. No such luck, though it would be fun to form a hot flash mob and dance to music seemingly written just for us.

You know, we could dance to songs like This Girl Is on Fire by Alicia Keys and She’s On Fire by Train. When I first heard those songs, I thought, whew, thank goodness I’m not all alone!

Or how about Bitch by Meredith Brooks. The lyrics are perfect for us: “I can understand how you’d be so confused. I don’t envy you. I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover. I’m a child, I’m a mother. I’m a sinner, I’m a saint. I do not feel ashamed. I’m your hell, I’m your dream. I’m nothing in between.”

Amen, sister, right?

Add to the list some appropriate song titles for us Menopausal Madwomen: Up All Night by One Direction, Moody Blue by Elvis Presley, Maneater by Hall & Oates, and Losing Your Memory by Ryan Star.

However, I think my favorite menopause song of all just might be Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne when he sings: “Life’s a bitter shame. I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.”

Perfect, right?

It’s a whole new world. Menopause is even out of the closet and into the musical videosphere. If you don’t believe me, just check out “Menopause to Blame” or the menopause rap song “Don’t Touch Me.” Pretty funny stuff. Although, I admit, not exactly “mainstream”…

And last but not least, we now have the classic, Menopause The Musical. I haven’t seen this play but it sounds like a lot of fun with parodies of songs from the Boomer era. The music pays tribute to hot flashes, memory lapses, weight gain, insomnia, night sweats, cellulite, the lure of cosmetic surgery, and the frightening necessity of exercise. Sound familiar?

I looked up a few of the songs with their lyrics:

I’m Flashing: I’m flashing, just flashing and the glow is not my jewels. I didn’t know that the change could be so cruel. They tell me, feeling flushed is part of passing through, but I just soaked another blouse that’s new.”

Sign of the Times: ”It’s a sign of the times. When your roots are gray and your memory’s shorter. It’s a sign of the times. When your hourglass shape becomes a glass of water.”

The Fat Gram Song: The lumps don’t move. How can I stop where the fat grams go?

This Is Your Day: No girl does it all by herself. No, friend, put your pride on the shelf.

Yup, we’re in this together, ladies. Let’s not be shy or vain. Let’s listen to our menopause music, proudly lay it all out there, and we can help each other through this ride on the crazy train.

Baby boomers who want to learn more about finding their bliss, can visit Julie’s blog.    

Funny or Not? Menopause Humor

Funny or Not? Menopause Humor

Hmm. Do you think this is entertaining? Funny at first glance, to be sure. But I'm over it.

This saying is from a Facebook post from Comedy 103.1, a page that posts a lot of funny things. Many of which, I laugh at and share. As of today, this menopause meme has gotten nearly 100,000 likes. I bet if I shared it on the Hot Flash Daily Facebook page, I could get a few hundred on our page, too! But I just can’t. Why? It’s the kind of menopause humor that leaves me cold.

I’m not usually a “hard ass” about humor, that’s for sure! But after many years of comments and cartoons and cliches, the whole “women and their mysterious hormonal goings-on that gives them mental illness and they act crazy” thing is a big turn-off. The notion of “she’s on the rag” or “she’s menopostal” as a way of explaining behavior or describing a woman is insulting. Yep. Maybe it’s just the linking of menstruation and menopause with mental illness. Or the notion that anything related to women starts with men! Sheesh.

I KNOW, I can’t believe I’m so sensitive!

Ridiculous. Or not? I’m curious. What’s your reaction?

Shenanigans for Seniors?!

Shenanigans for Seniors?!

Apparently any libido issues clear up after menopause!

Have you read about the retirement community in Florida that is the talk of the nation?

“Ten women to every man, a black market in Viagra, and a ‘thriving swingers scene’: Welcome to The Villages, Florida, where the elderly residents down Sex on the Square cocktail in ‘honor’ of woman, 68, arrested for public sex with toyboy”. So says the Daily Mail, read the full article here.

Doesn’t it sound like every Spring Break movie you never bothered to see? Now, I’m sure there are plenty of grandparents there who aren’t doing anything they wouldn’t tell their kids about- but don’t you just love knowing that somewhere out there are retirees are having orgies? I mean, I don’t see myself at an orgy- or is it in an orgy, at any age- but I like knowing that the spirit of adventure survives, at any age. In fact, one of the comments about the woman who was arrested for having public sex was that she appears to be making up for her lost youth. And that’s what’s bitchin about this story. The “you’re never too old…” theme.

I thought about filing it under “Good News”, but, well, I just couldn’t go there with this one. Still- it is very good news that at any age, you just might have more epic times ahead!

Oh- and yep, those menopausal libido issues seem to have cleared up for lots of women in this place. That’s bitchin too!

If You Can’t Be Good, At Least Be Charming

If You Can’t Be Good, At Least Be Charming

More Racy Books for Grownup Women!

More Racy Books for Grownup Women- even if you don’t read the books, the reviews are definitely charming! And good…

Lessons and Lovers by Portia Da Costa is not a new book, even if it is a relatively new e-book.  My late husband gave a paperback version to me as an impulse present in the early 1990s when it was released by Masquerade.   Due to the house I was going to move into being condemned instead, my books are in storage so I got the ebook rather than go to the storage unit and dig through fifteen book boxes to find one slim paperback to reread.  I must admit, it’s not that great or “good”, but I still enjoy it.

James and I always said that Science Fiction and Horror always had an advantage over comedy.  A bad Science Fiction or Horror story or movie could still often be, and often is very funny – and so you can still enjoy them.  A bad comedy really has nowhere else to go.  That being said, what I have learned from erotica and romance is: try for great, hope to achieve good, if nothing else at least be charming.  Lessons and Lovers is very charming.

The story is of Lady Henrietta Miller, a younger widow, who is conflicted about her feelings for her late husband’s, and now her servant, Starr…who she is having wild sex on demand.  This was  something that began at her husband’s insistence during his final illness when he was no longer able to freshen the missus.  This made Hettie feel guilty about her high sex drive and the truth that she really enjoyed sex with Mr. Starr enormously, (probably more than with Lord Miller).    Apparently the soon-to-be late Lord Miller enjoyed experiencing vicariously by having her tell him all about it.  Be that as it may, Hettie did love her husband very much and does genuinely mourn him throughout the story.  Which is why she isn’t sure if her feelings for Starr are love or not.

To prevent these two from having an honest conversation about the whole ‘since we keep having sex all the time, maybe we should think about getting serious – or at least, taking this seriously’ situation, Hettie gets a desperate call from her friend Renata in Milan while she is el flagrante.  Apparently, Starr must be a Gemini, since he doesn’t believe that the Mistress should ignore a ringing phone.  He must also have a Scorpio moon, because he also doesn’t believe anyone should stop having sex just because they are now talking transcontinentally to a melodramatic friend.  Renata has a young cousin who she has to kick out of her villa because her boyfriend is jealous… and she just has to keep the boyfriend because she actually has orgasms with him.  Rather than telling her friend that she’s in England, not Milan and that the kid isn’t her cousin, or even I’m having sex at the moment and I really shouldn’t have picked up the phone so let me call you back, or even saying Oh, for God’s sakes Renata buy a vibrator already, Hettie ends up agreeing to let a young man she’s never met come visit.  Who has suffered some injuries on an archaeological site that has given him some memory loss.  Oh, and by the way he’s wildly curious about sex.

What can possibly go wrong with this plan?

Well, despite the distractions of delectable Darryl, advice from a well-meaning and possibly bi-sexual psychiatrist, and then the arrival of Renata herself – who discovers that it is better to choose possible step-family over a bullying boyfriend, (orgasms aplenty or not), the only real relationship with sexual or emotional depth is that of Hettie and Starr.  They are only two that the reader should care about, because the rest of this book’s cast are like a bad soap opera, but at least so bad they are amusing.  Even  Hettie herself is written way over the top, as the stereotype upper class lady but without a trace of bitchiness.   In short, what a charming lady!  Despite being a likable character, there are times when she is lamenting about her life of luxury, complete with handsome lover who is constantly available and worries that she’s a sex fiend that this reader does want to cry out, “Oh, God, me you can’t curse with these problems??”

This reads like an early novel, with most of the care concentrated on the sex scenes, which are well-written, rather than keeping the plot simple and characters well-fleshed.  It’s supposed to be a love story born of tragedy, but is way too frothy over all.  It’s not particularly good, but it is charming, and is enough of the right kind of bad. Want to read more? Just click here > Enjoy!

Swimsuit Season, Ladies?

Swimsuit Season, Ladies?

WHY, oh WHY, do I get a catalogue of nekkid ladies in nearly no swimsuits?

Some bitching, but overall, a truly BITCHIN article! You WILL laugh!

You know that stupid catalog? The one from the lingerie company- where the girls?/women? are nearly nekkid? The one you’d go straight to the moment you decide that a jewel-encrusted bra is where you want to spend your next year’s salary? You know what I’m talking about. Any men you live with know that catalog, that’s for sure!

Well, it’s swimsuit season, and Mandy at  Scary Mommy has a brilliant commentary on the current catalog. I couldn’t possibly come close to it, so run right over there and check it out.

Real women of the real world, unite. Cracking up at ass crackery. Tis the season, indeed!

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